Worthiness: The Ultimate Gift

Like so many of us, I often get bogged down with the "Should've Disease."  I should've cooked a better dinner for my kids; I should've cleaned house instead of taking a nap; I should've worked on my writing project instead of lounging in front of the TV; I should've gone to the gym instead of sleeping in; and on and on and on.  The should haves will never end, because shame never ends.  Shame is a bottomless black hole of "not good enough."  No matter what I do, say or don't do or don't say, the shame in me will always find something wrong with it. Shame is a dark state of being, filled only with negativity, able only to see and feel the negative.  Shame is capable only of finding evidence within myself and this world that I am, in fact, a bad person and undeserving of any mercy.  If there is any glimmer of "not enough" anywhere within me or my environment, shame can sniff it out and use it as confirmation of my unworthiness.  Shame is a fear-fueled engine that never stops finding the bad, the wrong, the negative.  It does not stop itself and we cannot wait on it to stop itself.  It just doesn't work like that.  Shame is the absence of light, and the only way to escape from it is to shine some light on it.  

When we allow ourselves to get sucked into the Should've Disease, then we are launching head first into the shame pit.  And it's a long descent, one filled with sharp rocks, hard bumps, and complete loss of self.  It's difficult to escape it once the descent has begun.  Once I have spent too much time in the pit, I forget truths about myself and other people.  I forget that I am actually doing the best that I can on a daily basis.  I forget that I am a child of God and deserving of respect and kindness.  I forget that other people are also doing the best they can and deserving of my respect and kindness.  These are truths filled with light and thus, completely absent in the pit.  And these are dangerous truths to lose, because to believe I am actually NOT doing my best and NOT always deserving of compassion, means that I just hitched my worthiness onto my own ability to perform.  It's that kind of dark thought that can hasten a descent.  

So what do we do when we feel ourselves lost in this dark place?  The first thing is just to remind ourselves that we are stuck in a shame pit and riddled with the Should've Disease, which means that all the mean, nasty, and critical thoughts happening in our heads are purely a result of the disease.  These thoughts are, thus, a lie and to be ignored, banished to a far away place.  I refute them, and when I do, there is a flicker inside of me.  There is enough of a flicker for me to hitch myself onto the side of this slimy pit and begin the ascent back out of it.  

Just as there is momentum in the fall, there is momentum in the rising.  Just as shame pulls me downward with force, grace lifts me up with a greater force.  "Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more." Romans 5:20  The law is a set of rules that define one's worthiness, and only by keeping the rules faithfully can one remain above reproach; but who can do that?  Who can ever really do that?  It's only by the fact that I am eternally incapable of ever doing enough, that I am then made deserving of grace.  My imperfection makes me qualified to receive grace, which is light.  Only light, and completely devoid of any darkness.  Ever.

So, what if, this Christmas, you could be given a lifetime supply of worthiness?  Well, merry Christmas to you.  It is given!  We need only to lean into the momentum of it and allow God to do the heavy lifting.  The gift of grace means I am forever free of both your judgment against me as well as self-judgment.  In 1st Corinthians, Paul said, "I care very little if I am judged by you or any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.  He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts."  This is a man who unwrapped the gift of grace and found worthiness in knowing no one stands capable of judging but God alone.  May we all receive and hold year-round this precious gift!

Detachment: A Pathway to Peace

Detach. What a beautiful, yummy, and yet terrifying word. Webster's definition of detach is "To disconnect: separate: to extricate oneself or withdraw." Detachment is an action often prescribed to us in 12 step groups or by our therapists or friends. It means to emotionally let go of a situation or the outcome of a situation. Often we need to detach from people, because our remaining connected is poisoning us in some way. Always we detach as an act of love and ultimate respect toward ourselves. 

Detachment becomes necessary when my connection to a thing, a person, or a situation is threatening to my sanity, my peace, my integrity, my health, or body. There are people so incredibly toxic that to remain involved with them means constant chaos and pain. Sometimes we may need to detach from a person who we cannot fully exclude from our lives, because they are our child or our boss at work. This type of detachment is a mental and emotional releasing. It is arriving at an emotional place where our own stability no longer hinges on what the other person says or does. We come to a knowing within ourselves that regardless of how the other person behaves, we will not be moved. We will not be flustered, angered, or care more than they do about themselves or their personal affairs. We lovingly lay down another's personal responsibilities at their own feet and walk away. We separate our sacred self from the choices of another human being. We detach. 

There are situations in our lives that are troublesome and painful, situations which we cannot change despite our best efforts at trying. I am prone to worrying excessively, turning a problem over and over in my mind for a solution. Eventually the time comes when I have to be assertive with myself! I have to tell myself to detach from this situation. It is my responsibility, after I've done all I know to do, to go to my Higher Power and ask for help. It is good that I lean on my Higher Power in these situations that are larger than me. I pray the Serenity Prayer for courage, wisdom, and serenity and I detach. I extricate my mind from the worry place. I forbid myself from going there. I connect to the resources of my Higher Power and disconnect from believing a situation outside of me holds the power to care for me or keep me happy. Often I must detach several times in one day or perhaps several times in one hour. Nonetheless I detach as often as I need to until I feel my peace begin to return. 

Today I am so thankful for the skill of DETACHMENT, and today it feels good. There are times when detachment does not bring immediate relief, particularly the first few instances we detach from a painful person or situation. Laying down responsibility for things we cannot control can force us to take responsibility for ourselves in a way we have not been doing. We become more aware of our own feelings, all of them, the good and the bad. Although uncomfortable, detaching from others opens us to our own spiritual growth.  Sometimes there is intense grief after we detach from a situation. This is good and signifies moving toward ourselves and a fuller awareness of how we feel and what we need to do for ourselves. 

How detachment comes and how it happens is a mystery to me. We do it when we're ready. I love this passage from Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: "Love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. The answer will come from detachment" (pg. 26). We may do it when we're worn out from trying everything else. We may do it out of anger or frustration. We may do it with tears of grief or even tears of relief, but do it. Just do it. When you know you have lost your very self to someone else's mess or troubles beyond your control. Just detach.